Beards and Inadequacies

(I hope the title isn't too Freudian...)

Today, I had an epiphany. We were speaking in Elder's Quorum about the "weak and simple" and the feelings of inadequacy we might have. (We were also making quilts and knitting bandages for leper colonies. I am told that in Relief Society they grilled steaks and watched Gladiator.)

In any case, I found some of the comments most revealing:

"On my mission, I never got called to any positions of leadership. I always wondered what was wrong with me. Were my numbers not good enough? Did I need to baptize more?"

"In one district I served in there were five District Presidents in a row who went inactive after being released. They all said that they felt like they had been fired––like they hadn't done well enough in their callings."

There were many more comments along those same lines. It made me wonder what the problem was. And then, suddenly, it came to me.

I looked around and realized we were all dressed like businessmen. Suits, ties, white shirts, short hair. It could have been a board meeting. I'm willing to bet at least half of those in attendance own copies of Seven Habits of Highly Pretentious People. With our perverse focus on corporate image in the church, our preoccupation with looking the part, is it any wonder that we tend to look at success or failure in corporate terms?

"Were my numbers not good enough?" Why didn't I get the promotion?

"Why was I fired as District President?"

An unfortunate part of missionary work is acculturalization: making wards and stakes all over the earth in the image of Happy Valley. (For instance, consider the account I just read about missionaries in Japan spending an evening with the ward to teach them how to celebrate Halloween.) This conflation of American culture and corporate ideals with the gospel of Jesus Christ is nothing short of pernicious. I suspect that it is somewhat driven by the fact that many (most?) Mission Presidents tend to be successful businessmen or lawyers. They are, after all, the ones with the cash and leisure time to go serve in such a position. They have administrative experience.

Is it any wonder, then, that branches of The One Holy and Apostolic Church sometimes look and behave like little more than franchise members of McMormon, Inc.? ("Have it OUR way!")

Well, I, for one, won't stand for it. I hope, friends, that you will join with me in this rejection of corporate paradigms, and resist the subjugation of Consecration to Capitalism.

Of course, one is forced to ask the question: Would we be facing this problem if we had just kept the beards? I understand the desire not to look like hippies, but I think the greater challenges we face today demand that we not look like CEOs.

Join with me, brethren. Save the Church, and exercise your god-given right to scruff!

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and ... Time?

There is something incalculably strange about the passing of time. It forces us to confront our almost absolute impotence. I remember breaking bad news to a loved one. It was long, long after the fact. Her reaction was mostly rage born of frustration. Rage because she couldn't change anything. Rage that was all the more strange because her knowing the bad news altered nothing apart from her awareness. The resulting circumstances had been lived with for years. Knowing the happening did not mean that the sad event had happened more forcefully or solidly. The event itself was not changed one whit.

The future is obscured by a veil, only becoming clear in the razor-wide incision we call now, which calcifies in the instant it is upon us, and becomes past. Yet, what we do with that razor's edge. Any action longer than a breath, a blink, an electric impulse shot down a nerve, the jostling of an atom, is built somehow on an untouchable sediment of past decision. By aiming a stream of constant change at the almost non-existent present we can sculpt what becomes the past. However, what good is that? Is the past of any value beyond it's faint reflection shining back onto our razor's edge? That reflection is all we may leave. It is all we will ourselves become.

Bothersome things...

Why do we call 47s to positions of responsibility? I'll never move into this guy's ward/stake. That's crazy. Perhaps I can find a nice school to transfer to... run by Jesuits or something. (Note the Stake President's comment. Ironic that it wouldn't have been an "issue" at all if he would pull his head out and be a reasonable human being.)

UPDATE:
The player was immediately reinstated as soon as the SL Tribune printed the story. Apparently, the Bishop was "inspired."

"God wants me to be president..." (?)

Voters in Arkansas and Tennessee learned tonight what happens when you vote for Mike Huckabee. If he ends up getting the nomination, I predict some real climate change problems!

Requiescat In Pace, President Hinckley

The Dark Secret of Hopscotch

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Roe v. Wade (Why not just swim?)

In honor of the anniversary, here are some suggested Planned Parenthood slogans winnowed from the internet:


* Solving overpopulation––one person at a time

* Keeping minorities minorities

* Reach out and abort someone

* Have you dismembered your baby today?

* Betcha can't kill just one

* Doing our best to reduce class size

* Support your local Abortuary

* Keeping predatory males happy

* Have you plunged forceps into your kid today?

* Planned Parenthood––helping women find their inner genocidal maniac since 1916

* Planned Parenthood––because "Eugenics" doesn't sound as nice

* Planned Parenthood––We smell man-flesh!

* Flush your troubles away at Planned Parenthood

* Planned Parenthood––We See Small Dead People

* Planned Parenthood––because Jr's not a person yet

* Planned Parenthood––because you're out of hangers


What would you add to the list?

What's Wrong With the BYU Honor Code and How to Fix It

First, my apologies for the lengthy hiatus. I have many projects in the works just now (one of which is a Bachelor's Degree). I hope to atone somewhat with this lengthy portion of an essay. As always, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. [Beats chest, dislodges phlegm.]

This will be, I think, the first in a series of posts on this issue, published whenever I feel most vexed about it. I imagine I won't be able to exorcise all the demons in one go, but we're going to give it a good try tonight.

And now, to the main event...

What is wrong:

1) The Honor Code is not a commandment, but BYUSA (hereafter "BYUSSR") doesn't let that keep them from billing it like one. I think their official story is that it came scrawled by the finger of God (or at least that of his childhood friend, Biff) on the back of the Decalogue. It is actually a creation of the student body of about 40 years ago as a reaction to the hippie culture prevalent at the time. (Remember, BYU used to hold PRO Vietnam War rallies: "Napalm a Gook-baby for Uncle Sam!") However, today most seem to be under the impression that it was a prophetic utterance, not merely a nice student-initiated idea.



For your edification, let me share a personal experience. Last semester, I needed to take a test on a Tuesday afternoon. It was the last time the test would be offered. I had been sick all weekend and through Monday. I rolled out of bed a few minutes before the test and raced to the computer testing center in the basement of the new Syphilis building (Joseph Fielding Smith Humanities Building, formerly Smith Family Living Center, or SFLC, thus, the "Syphilis"). I was scruffy. I went into the testing room and asked to take a test.

"I'm sorry," (she wasn't) said the co-ed in charge, "You need to be clean-shaven to take a test." She smiled just enough to showcase her dead, soulless eyes.

I explained my trouble. I felt like hell and looked worse (see photo of young man below). I had only come to school to take this test. If I missed my time-slot I would not be able to take it and I would fail my class.

"I'm sorry," she said. She wasn't. It was exactly the kind of "sorry" she would have offered had I asked if I might perform an abortion on her desk.

"Look, is there any way I can take this test?"

Now she was upset. She huffed, but eventually called her superior. He was a man, but he spoke just like his subordinate. I re-explained the situation. "So... you just want us to forget the rule?"

"No," I explained. "I want you to make an exception based on the extenuating circumstances I've just described [you extra-chromosome-wielding retardobeast*]."

"Lemme talk to [Susan**]."

Eventually, they let me take the test. It was just amazing that they were initially so unbending. Would it have been easier to ask for his right testicle? Probably. I know it would have been easier to get [Susan**]'s.


*I wish I had used this line.
**Her name has been struck from my memory and––I hope––the Book of Life.





2) The Code ("...well, the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules...") conflates many different regulations of vastly different value. "Remember to shave" is preached cheek by jowl with "No premarital hanky-panky." This is doubly detrimental as it seems to suggest that scruffiness is akin to fornication (of course some of my fellow zoobies would have a hard time seeing the difference between drinking a Diet Coke and injecting black tar heroin straight into your brain tissues through your eye). The awful part is that subconsciously something as trivial as facial hair might lesson the seriousness of adultery. (Let's not forget to mention the delicious irony that, based solely on dress and grooming code violations, Karl G. Maser, Brigham Young, and Jesus Christ would all be barred from entering the testing center. Adolf Hitler, on the other hand, would be admitted with his neatly trimmed mustache!)

3) BYU students are consistently told how wonderful they are. How sober, how bright, how upright, how honest. Of course they're just blowing smoke up or out of assorted orifices. How can we tell?

The testing center.

Whereas in other Universities their (obviously less-trustworthy, Gentile) students are expected and trusted to take multi-hour, closed-book exams in a take-home situation (Princeton is one example. Of course if you're blowing over thirty G's (!) a year you'd be an idiot not to try and get your money's worth) at BYU, on the other hand, where honesty was patented, students take most of their tests in a lead-roofed chamber of horrors, with proctors––strung out on Postum––practically fogging students' glasses with their fetid breath. (I swear I've had my neck licked in there a couple of times. You can tell when they're hungry because they click their enormous foot-claws against the floor more rapidly. Wait! Is that freshman using a calculator? Their furtive chirping helps the pack to triangulate as they close in on the unsuspecting youth. Don't try to help. He is lost now. Reduced in moments to a trembling mass of glistening pink. One less returns to the DT tonight.)

Tell me, if BYU students are so obviously superior and so intolerably honest, then why do they need such close supervision from the reptilian guardians of the testing center?

Cat Thoughts,

and

Why People Who Drive Scooters
Should Not Spin Out on Gravel
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? Yes, but what they don't tell you is every time you listen to a Janice Kapp Perry song, an angel has to shoot a baby kitten in the face.

* * *

Co-worker: I miss the old machine for metering postage on the mail.

Me: You mean the one that used to peel off the stickers inside itself and jam a snarl of adhesive paper in the rollers and then you had to run a few kittens through to clear the blockage?

Co-worker: Yeah, that one.

* * *

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

True, but only one is very efficient:
1) Take one warm, large, flexible cat.
2) Split the skin vertically from just below the jaw, up the snout, between the eyes and to the back of the skull.
3) Grasp cat by tail.
4) Crack like a bull-whip. (This step takes practice. You may want to have a few other cats on hand for this purpose.)

Note: It is always best to spread out some newspaper before beginning. Skinless cats moving at this velocity don't so much go "thud!" as "splash!"

* * *

Why People Who Drive Scooters
Should Not Spin Out on Gravel:

GC Roundup

Actually this won't be much of a roundup, but I just had to make some comment about Jeffrey R. Holland's talk.

WOW. That was a doctrinal smack-down par excellence. It was ecclesiastical Mortal Kombat: "Finish them!"

How does he rock so hard?

Also, let's all send up a few for Elder Wirthlin. He did not look well.

(Oh yeah, I am stoked about the new apostolic appointments, but it seems to be somewhat above needing my opinion.)

Skittles

Some grab-bag bits:

•Here's a fantastic interview with Orson Scott Card and the host of the famous blog www.instapundit.com

•I was just made aware of a positively craptastic CES policy. Yeah, yeah, the church is still true. But remember kids, all is well in Zion, yea, Zion prospereth.

•New cool blog here.

•Oh, Robert Jordan is dead. The nerve of that guy; the ultimate cliffhanger. We ought to bring him back, make him finish the last volume, and then shoot him.

That is all.

Chestnut tresses and a great poem...

So, I looked in the mirror today and thought to myself: time for a trim. The top has gone all luscious, and when I can describe my hair as "luscious", it needs to be cut. Alas, it was not to be. I have just received a directive from the stage manager for the opera (and by extension from the director... the school of music... the board of trustees... the universal church... and God Himself) not to cut my hair until the show closes. That's two months! But when the Almighty tells you not to cut your hair, you listen. That's what the Biblical tale of Samson was all about. The Scriptures (TM): written for our day.

And now, a lovely poem by a Trappist monk that bears a few readings:

Lo! There he hangs
Ashened Figure
pinioned against the wood.
God grant that I might Love Him
Even as I should.

I draw a little closer
To share this Love Divine
And hear him softly murmur
"Ah, foolish Child of Mine,

If now I should embrace you
My hands would stain thee red,
And if I leaned to whisper
The thorns would pierce your head."

'Twas then I learned in meekness
That Love demands a price:
'Twas then I knew that sorrow
Is but the kiss of Christ.

Giblets (yeah, I mean the chewy gut-bits of a turkey)

Just a quick update...

In less than two weeks I get to quit my job. I am extatic. I really need to find a summer job that doesn't make me want to open a vein.

Reading (almost finished) Barbara Kingsolver's "The Poisonwood Bible." Well written, but I hope she didn't mean it to be a virulently anti-American as it is coming across. Given her political writings though, I bet it is. Summary: Jesus and Uncle Sam ruin a perfectly happy African nation.

Finished Harry Potter. No reason to live. It was good, but the last word was not "scar." Harry it a total Christ-character.

Reading more Robert Jordan. I wan't to stop, but I can't. Isn't there a 12 step program for this?

Feeling happy for the first time in months. Likely the effect of a new bag of kava.

I will be visiting Boston between Aug 22 and 26. Then to Missouri. Then to 17 credits of madness.

Big Ben XVI on "Jesus of Nazareth"

Okay, class. These are my initial impressions: brilliant, inspiring, and... depressing.

The book is not depressing in itself, but because I cannot help but keep thinking: "Why, oh, why could we never have anything like this in Sunday School? Why do we spend so much time and effort on fluff? (And I don't mean the lovely marshmallow spread you can only get back East.)

What do we get in SS? (Not, by the way, auspicious initials.)
1) Brief overview of some text.
2) "Personal interpretation" of the text from teacher and class-members.
3) Debate about the value and credibility of these "interpretations," most of which are worthless, as the laughable exegesis in which we, as Mormons, engage draws on nothing but the KJV text and whatever we make up. No cultural understanding, no textual criticism; most class-members didn't even read the text before coming to class.
4) Invariably, the interpretation we settle on as valid is the one that corresponds most exactly with the Mormon practice du jour, because, of course, the way we do things today is representative of the actual personal opinion of deity; that is, we have finally "arrived" as an institution. No further thought or innovation is necessary: sorry, Gordon. Please maintain the status quo.
5) Flaccid application to our lives. Acceptable as long as we do not need to really live the law of consecration. It is a lovely plan, but really, the Lord wants you to have that boat/car/house. We love the honeyed flavor of scripture; we just won't accept what makes our bellies bitter.
6) Obligatory "testimony." Tears are a plus (and a sign of truth).
7) Pat yourself on the back! We are the one true church, and no one else has anything to offer!

Buy the Pope's book. You won't regret it. You can even find time to read it in Sunday School; after all, you've got nothing better to do.

Mormonism and the Orthodox Tradition

Today, class, we are going to discuss why LDS meetings are so blasted low-church (not a pejorative) protestant / evangelical in nature. We share very little tradtition with older faiths like Catholicism or Eastern Orthodoxy (which I will lump, for convenience, into the classification of "Orthodoxy"). Why is this? Are we afraid of ritual or ceremony? Certainly not! Have you ever been to the temple?

Let me offer a suggestion: of all the things that are mutable in the Church (and there are many) one of which is the rather basic nature of our meetings and our lack of liturgical year. I also would suggest that this is the case not because of some specific revelation, but merely because the Church was restored within an evangelical cultural milieu.

Can you name a good reason why we should not adopt some of the beautiful traditions of our fellow priesthood-authority-acknowledging brothers and sisters?

The following is a good question from "Answers to Gospel Questions, Volume 5" by Joseph Fielding Smith:

Question: "Can you please tell me why members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints do not observe Good Friday as other Christians do?"

Answer: The reason why we do not observe Good Friday should be clear enough.

Easter is taken from a pagan spring holiday, that was governed by the moon. The Roman Catholic Church connected the birth of the Savior with this pagan ceremony. As you know, Easter is governed by the moon, and this spring pagan festival was celebrated according to the moon, any time in March and the end of April.

Now as you well know that the resurrection did not vary and it is foolish to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord at the end of March or the first of April, or middle of April or near the first of May, and put Good Friday the Friday before the Easter Sunday. I think you are wise enough to see the foolishness of it. The resurrection of the Savior does not vary year by year but it is a constant thing. Why should we follow the silly custom rather than to have one day for the resurrection?

Lovely, but by the same logic we shouldn't celebrate Easter either!

So what say you? I think we ought to push at least for Holy Week. Comments?

Editorial (that will never see the light of day)

Submitted to the Daily Universe re the flaccid state of BYUSA:

To the Editor:

A few of the recent responses concerning the latest BYUSA election have lamented the lack of student interest and involvement, and suggest that with more participation the organization could be fixed. Sadly, they are wrong. BYUSA is already overly "fixed" -- like my dog. All the involvement, money, and veterinarians in the world could not make my Labrador capable of siring pups. Similarly, BYUSA is a completely emasculated organization, unable to produce anything substantive. That is not meant as an indictment; it is merely the nature of the beast.

BYUSA is not a student government; they do not govern. They cannot effect change; they have no leverage with the administration because they derive their authority from the administration. They have no significant autonomy.

Thus, if students want to apply pressure to change policy, they must do it at the "grass-roots" level. For instance, do you think BYU Bookstore charges too much for text books? (Who doesn't?) Then organize a program or website that publishes booklists earlier so students can buy them cheaply online; arrange for students to advertise directly to other students the books they need to sell, eliminating Bookstore involvement.

Students can, in fact, be the agents of improvement at BYU, but they ought to understand the power dynamics behind the bureaucracy, which is by nature resistant to change. The only leverage they can bring to bear is making it less uncomfortable to change than it is to maintain the status quo.

If it gets published, I'll be quite surprised. And pleased.

Random dribbles

Wow, it has been a really long time since I've posted. Life has gotten crazy and I don't have nearly the time anymore. In any case, for my faithful readership (of one) I ought to scribble down a few things that I have been looking into recently:

I. Why do LDS ignore (largely) the psalms?
They are holy writ, and they can teach us amazing things about the gospel. For instance, take a look at one of Christ's last utterances in mortaility: My god, my god, why had thou forsaken me? Most LDS don't realize that this quote comes directly out of the 22nd (in the KJV reckoning) psalm. It is a prayer that begins with desolation, but ends aknowledging that the Lord will triumph. Christ wasn't just expressing his sorrow, but his ultimate confidence that he would be victorious. Most LDS would say that here, by quoting that phrase, Jesus was fulfilling prophecy, but to suggest that that was all he was doing would be to say that Christ was not aware of that scripture or its implications, which is surely not the case. Christ chose it intentionally for what it would teach his disciples, who were steeped in the OT.

II. What is a "vain repetition"?
CS Lewis suggests that our prayers are bound to become repetitious no matter what we do. (In fact, it is just as artificial to be concerned with always coming up with new phrases to express our needs and thanks.) We will use the same words, period. The only important thing, then, if that we are constantly pouring new meaning and immediacy into those words. What then is the problem with using traditional phrases in prayer? That is not to say that we should abandon the extemporaneous for rote prayer, but that there might not be a problem in "festooning" our prayers with ancient, traditional phrases, which have become, over time, packed with meaning. For more info read: Letters to Malcom, Chiefly on Prayer by Lewis.

III. Pattern of prayer?
In the church our pattern of prayer is very basic:
Address God.
Thank him.
Ask him.
Close through Jesus Christ.

Might I submit that we try a slightly expanded version? It is called the ACTS pattern, and it addresses somethings we often leave undone in out prayers.

Address God

ADORATION
CONTRITION/CONFESSION
THANKSGIVING
SUPPLICATION

Close through Jesus Christ.

This has been working well for me. Try it and see what you think.

Teaser...

Coming soon: Recent BYU Forum, Dr. Aswan discusses Middle Eastern relations, with some veiled criticisms of the Bush administration (what else would you expect?). He was introduced in glowing terms by Boyd K. Packer. Interesting...

Quotes and commentary pending.

Hailing a new-ris'n star...

Those of you who watch the heavens of the blogosphere carefully will not have missed the arrival of a new light on the horizon. We look forward to upcoming posts (in spite of the author's misconceptions about birth-order preeminence). With crypic commentary and a mysterious title, the blog only yet lacks the inclusion of sacred geometry to complete this lagoon of gnosis...

لا الله الا الله ، لكن غوردون هينكلي - وهو النبي.

Ding-dong! The witch is dead!

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh... However, there was some news I just found out that is good, and kind of sad too. On the plus side, one of the wasps, long buzzing around the heads of members and LDS apologists is gone. On the sad side, what is there to show but time wasted in bitterness and fruitless enterprise. The following was printed in the Salt Lake Tribune on the 3rd or 4th of October:

Jerald D. Tanner 06/01/38 ~ 10/01/06 Jerald D. Tanner, age 68, died peacefully on Sunday, Oct. 1, 2006, due to complications associated with Alzheimer's disease. He was born June 1, 1938, in Provo, Utah, to George and Helen Tanner. He married Sandra McGee on June 14, 1959, in Mission Hills, California. He graduated from West High School, attended the University of Utah and graduated from Salt Lake Trade Technical Institute in 1959. After a few years as a machinist Jerald launched his own business, Modern Microfilm Co. and began publishing historical research [for lack of a better term]. He closed his business in 1983 and established the non-profit organization Utah Lighthouse Ministry, which continues to publish his research. He authored more than forty books, including "Mormonism-Shadow or Reality?", and in 1980 his book "The Changing World of Mormonism" was published by Moody Press. For many years Jerald served on the board of the Rescue Mission of Salt Lake, volunteered in the office and held prayer time with the men throughout the week. He also served as an Elder and was on the Governing Board for Discovery Christian Community. He was a quiet man who loved to pray and memorize scriptures. He also enjoyed walks, hikes, Jazz games, animals, and an occasional practical joke, especially if it was his idea. We will all miss his keen mind, sense of humor and gentle teasing [and his undying vilification of all things Mormon]. Jerald's commitment to Christ was an inspiration to many people [who also happen to hate Mormons]. Jerald was preceded in death by his parents and sister, Ruth Mellor. He is survived by his wife, Sandra; three children, April (Brian) Muegge, Dennis (Sherri) Tanner, Teresa (Chuck) Vanderpool; five grandchildren, Nathan, Samuel, Vanessa, William and Brandi; two sisters, Irene (Carl) Bonner and Evelyn (Chris) Miller; plus numerous nieces, nephews and his special friends and co-workers, Wendell, Marlene, Mark and Tony. During Jerald's long illness, he was lovingly cared for by his wife of 47 years until the final four days of his life. The family wishes to thank all those at CareSource Hospice facility for their compassion and support. A memorial service will be held on Saturday, Oct. 7, 2006, at 10:30 a.m. at the Salt Lake Christian Center, 4300 South 700 East, Murray, Utah. The family will receive visitors from 9:30 to 10:15 a.m. prior to the service. In lieu of flowers the family suggests that donations be made in Jerald's memory to the Rescue Mission of Salt Lake or CareSource Hospice. Condolences may be sent to condolences@utlm.org

One wonders how early the Alzheimers set in... In any case, I am sorely tempted to send some--er--condolences.