Monday, October 08, 2007

Cat Thoughts,


and

Why People Who Drive Scooters
Should Not Spin Out on Gravel

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? Yes, but what they don't tell you is every time you listen to a Janice Kapp Perry song, an angel has to shoot a baby kitten in the face.

* * *

Co-worker: I miss the old machine for metering postage on the mail.

Me: You mean the one that used to peel off the stickers inside itself and jam a snarl of adhesive paper in the rollers and then you had to run a few kittens through to clear the blockage?

Co-worker: Yeah, that one.

* * *

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

True, but only one is very efficient:
1) Take one warm, large, flexible cat.
2) Split the skin vertically from just below the jaw, up the snout, between the eyes and to the back of the skull.
3) Grasp cat by tail.
4) Crack like a bull-whip. (This step takes practice. You may want to have a few other cats on hand for this purpose.)

Note: It is always best to spread out some newspaper before beginning. Skinless cats moving at this velocity don't so much go "thud!" as "splash!"

* * *

Why People Who Drive Scooters
Should Not Spin Out on Gravel:



4 comments:

dixonfamily said...

Since I know you, this isn't too disturbing, but for everyone else who just happens upon your blog, they are going to freak and probably call the police. Is this you with a real injury or did you find someone's makeup and fake it? You're just too much!

Latter-Day Guy said...

Moi? Fake an injury? What a scandalous suggestion!

The Olsen's said...

uaztkkiaOh Nick,
While I am grateful you are branching out from running down the brethern, the direction you are heading towards cruelty to animals, is disturbing on a different level. I laughed mightly, however, I do wish you would have omitted step #2's graphicness for the squeamish. But I did enjoy the Janice Kapp Perry urban Legend...I heard though that the angel only had to shoot a cat in the eye with a rubberband gun. That just shows how rumors get worse and worse as you pass them on!

The Olsen's said...

Nick,
Have you abandoned your blog?