Friday, May 02, 2008

Horrible, horrible, most horrible...

Dear reader, please do not read the following. Save yourselves and your children from the scars which will be etched permanently into your psyche. Cover their eyes as you would at the sight of the glistening detritus of an accident involving a train and a nursing home outing group.

For the past three days, I have been violently, desperately, hideously ill. Never did I understand all the ways in which agony could present itself. I spent, for instance, last night stretched out in the thrall of the most spectacular indigestion I could conceive. The burn of acid arpeggiating up and down my esophagus, while great waves––nay, tides––of nausea swept over me, threatening to drown me in their bilious depths. It was like a symphony of horror, in the scope of Mahler, but not in his style. Its composition was rather like that of Messiaen: delicate permutations of digestive dissonance, an intricate paean of suffering to the honor of an ancient and vindictive god. I tell you, if there were some drug which could induce pleasure in equal scope and variety, none of us would stop at selling children into horrible slavery, or passing offspring through the fires of Moloch to procure it.

Thus we are brought to the awful events of this morning, when, once again I offered violent and abundant offering to the porcelain deity, Commodus, and then spent more than five hours prostrate and unconscious on the floor of her temple.

Then, upon awakening, I said to myself, quite unexpectedly, "I think I may be an atheist now."

I understand, dear reader how one might wonder at this effect being brought on by an upset stomach. Yet, I must question, is that precisely the right word?

Upset? Yes, it was upset. Upset in the same way Vlad the Impaler had a reputation for being a bit brusque at times.

Upset? Yes, like Adolf-bloody-Hitler got a little cheeky with some Jewish acquaintances.

Upset? Nay, reader, say rather that my stomach has given us pretty solid evidence that god is dead, because I SEEM TO HAVE EATEN HIM!!!

Anyhow, I'm off to bed now. Hope you're all doing well.



adam said...

Nice vocabulary. :) It really livens up reading about your experience.

"I think I may be an atheist now." That's funny because it's the same thought I had after my head nearly exploded (and I had a nice pinched nerve by my eye--man those feel really good) due to sinus pressure coming down in a plane--twice in a day.

dixonfamily said...

Oh Nick,
I am so sorry. That is the worst. Have you gone to see anyone else about your intestinal issues? You are seriously going to waste away. We're praying for you.

apb said...

That's what happens when you defect to a lesser apartment complex. I'd like to say "I warned you" or "I told you so" but in actuality, I never said any of that. I kind of like how this turned out though. Discomforting and perhaps excruciating, yes, but funny for those who read about it after the fact. It's my way of saying that your pain brings me pleasure. Isn't it nice knowing you have such a fulfilling purpose in life?